Photo taken by Bisheshwar Das in Jayantada's home 'Chandrabhaga' in Tinkonia Bagicha, Cuttack on 9th April 2023, my last meeting with Jayantada.
25th March 2020: About Covid:
At times the whole thing makes me laugh. We’ve raped our earth enough.
About how he
spends his time during the Covid lockdown:
I try to learn a new word every day.
3rd
April: In response to my request to him to stay inside:
I am inside, Meenaxi, but can’t seem to keep away the
worlds outside.
On my asking
him to write during the lockdown.
I don’t know if I can, Meenaxi, for this is a time which
never fails to tell myself that I, as a human being, have failed in all
possible ways; and that, in life, everything is nothing, like the clouds that’s
there right now but won’t be there when
you look at the sky again.
14th
July 2020: after reading a blog piece I wrote about him:
Somehow the passing of years hasn’t mattered much to me,
barring the natural decaying of cells.
Even at this stage of my life, it is relationships that
keep me alive, not poetry.
I keep on writing because I must do it.
But my day is with the sky, the grass,
the frail yellow butterflies which move from leaf to leaf,
without questioning as to why they are alive.
And I wish I could be one of them.
But the next moment I am flying, in this my incredible mind…
And I go into myself and find there are many like me.
That is the amazing thing about life: you are not one but
anyone YOU want to be.
We are all blessed beings, to be able to see, hear and
smell in this wonderful world.
You know, Meenaxi, the sky, the clouds, the breeze are
the only reality.
We can’t touch them but they are the source of our
dreams.
And because of dreams we are alive.
2nd
Jan 2021:
Haven’t been able to write, and that breaks my mind.
24th
Jan. With reference to an interview that has just appeared
Often I am asked about my inspiration…
There is nothing I could name, Meenaxi.
It was just my own life that turned me into poetry;
happenings about which I could not do anything about,
the griefs of childhood which seemed to ease a little
when I began writing poetry.
…
I took refuge in words then, and this habit or whatever
continues.
Thank you for believing in me.
23rd
May 2021:
Frankly, my mind is susceptible to all kinds of thoughts.
But don’t worry, I am weak, I am a coward.
…
The problem is, at 93, I feel, as if I am 23.
12th
October 2021
I never imagined poetry would go on raping a ripe old
man!
Dec 2021, I
visit Cuttack
12th
Dec.
Me: We go to
look for trees on Wednesday, okay?
JM: Yes, trees on Wednesday.
I’m sure they will remember seeing us
and how we loved seeing them
50 years from now.
16th
Dec. 2021 After my visit
The sun is out.
And the flowers that sway in the breeze.
You too, are part of all that.
9th
Jan 2022: Ill with vertigo etc.
Let’s celebrate we are alive!
…
We have sunshine
We have flowers
Birds call and go past
This is happiness Meenaxi
23rd
Jan 2022: Got some wine and fried pomfrets delivered to him
Zampa delivered
Three pomfrets
One dumb, one deaf, one blind 😀😀😀
….
I’m a failure
…
No Meenaxi
I didn’t mean it.
I am a good poet
I published in the New Yorker, so I must be good
25th
Feb 2022
Back home after 8 days in ICU, Was critical.😊
22nd
March 2022
At times I am a log burning at one end,
as I keep on watching the other?
Why do I watch?
23rd
March 2022
My poetry never meant much to me.
…
Don’t know what exactly poetry is;
But it’s the world outside (you, the stars,
the girl who turned her face away)
that make the world of the poem.
29th
March 2022
We all make fools of ourselves, it’s just that we are not
aware of it.
23rd
October 2022
Do days matter Meenaxi?
15th
Dec 2022
Sarojini passed away early this morning
29th
Dec 2022
JM: Sarojini’s little daughter-in-law brings me my basic
meals.
But for trivial things, I simply cant manage,
Like for example, untying a knot in my pyjamas, I am
pushed.
Me: Come and
stay with me.
JM: I know I should
I wish I could
9th
March 2023 On hearing of Sruti’s death
Just stills me. And here, I fall ill and recover.
God’s ways.
…
Does one need to remember or forget
What one asked of one’s life?
Me: What if
one never had a chance to ask?
JM: Don’t ask, Meenaxi
I don’t know
nor do I need to know.
I exist
because I have to
exist, here on earth.
9th
April: my last meeting with him in Cuttack
I am tired, Meenaxi, I want to lie down and rest, and
never wake up.
10th
April 2023
I do feel helpless at times and cling to whoever shows me
a little love.
I know too, I have outlived my life.
22nd
April 2023
Me: Why no
news?
JM: I am so happy in my unhappiness that it makes me mute.
…
Don’t know
Happiness comes only when you want to be happy.
Me: But why don’t
you want to be happy?
JM: Don’t know
Don’t know
I want to. Perhaps I am.
But the stupid fellow that I am,
Happiness does nothing to me.
18th
May 2023
Who can tell of tomorrow?
Was thinking Meenaxi
After my death, if someone wanted a poem,
They could just use it without thinking of copyright etc
issues
…
There is none of my kin who knows even
Whether I have published a book or not.
But I have friends.
And they matter
Mean so much to me I could give my little leftover life.
…
I do appreciate you care, your love
I have many friends who care for me
True
Still, I don’t know what I want
Just let this river take me along
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