Last of the seven part story about my life in Germany and in India
7. Everything considered
If everything is so much better here, then why don’t you just stay here and forget about India, you may ask. Why do you still keep going back to India? Why is it that you do not want to become a German citizen? Why don’t you want to give up your Indian passport? Well… be patient… you have not heard the whole story…
The simple answer is although there are so many things I can do here that I cannot do back in India, I still don’t feel completely at home here. And what is even worse, I am gradually coming to the conclusion that no matter what I do, I can never be and will never be able to feel that I am at par with the ‘natives’ of the city, at least in a city like Würzburg . By natives, I mean white Europeans. I have not met any overt hostility or unpleasantness so far, I must admit, but still, I can sense it is there … I sense it in the way people sometimes look at and are surprised that I can speak and understand German, I sense it in the surprise I detect in people’s eyes when they see me going alone to watch a play or a satire show. What is this woman doing here? They are never rude or impolite, but still, I can sense that they feel that I do not belong there.
As long as I was with Stephan, a white European male, it was not a problem, or even if it was, I did not need to pay heed. But now that he is not here and I am on my own, I am not sure that it will not be a problem. The most giveaway sign came from my Tax consultant here right after Stephan died. We were sitting together in his office and I had just handed him a document which had the amount of pension I would get as Stephan’s widow. He looked at the document and then shook his head saying ‘This is not good; this is not good at all.’ When he saw me looking at him questioningly, he broke into a smile and said, ‘No, of course this is very good for you, very good.’ I thought it best to not comment any further.
Sometimes it can also go very far in the other direction. People try to be over-nice to you, which is again something you do not really want. Looking ‘not-native’ often make people stop and ask if you need help with directions, or if you are wearing something Indian, then at least where you come from. Being mistaken as a tourist can happen all the time. That is also understandable. What is not nice, is when people try to be nice because they feel sorry for you. It happened to me once in a bank when I was trying to get something done. Looking at me, the nice lady at the counter went beyond her brief when she asked me how I was coping in their country. It must be tough for outsiders to understand our systems, she continued. It was nice that she cared to ask, what bothered me was that she automatically assumed I was an outsider.
Which, by implication, means that I can never be an insider, no matter how long I stay here, and no matter how fat my bank balance is and no matter how good my German gets. That is what bothers me very much.
 |
| Walking path along the Main in Volkach |
Another big plus here is the health care system that will foot all your bills no matter how high they are, for as long as it takes for you to get better. I am fit and healthy today but who knows what the future might bring. And if you are unlucky, you might catch a disease which requires a fortune in treatment. Then you are obviously better off in Germany than in India, where all health insurances have an upper limit. Also there are many more facilities available to seniors here in their old age than there are in India. Old age homes, care for seniors at home, assisted living facilities, and more. They come in many different variants to suit your needs and also your means in extreme cases.
But the bottom line is, do I really want to be here in my old age to be taken care of by strangers and to continue to exist, meaninglessly and perhaps also in pain, just because it is possible? That is the call one has to take. As long as one is fit and able to enjoy being alive, that is good. But once something happens and one becomes dependent on others and cannot do very much, does it make sense to prolong the agony? I keep thinking of that old Italian lady during the Covid times who happily forfeited her turn to be put on a ventilator, and chose instead, to let a younger man have it, saying, ‘I am grateful for the wonderful and happy life I have had. I have lived my life. Now I won’t mind going.’
Of course, there can be other situations that might be better taken care of in Germany, but can one arrange for every eventuality? And even if one could, is it necessary? My mother used to keep saving every penny saying that I might need it in case I have an accident and lose both my legs! My standard response to that was, ‘But I will still have both my hands and can still work.’ To which she would shake her head and tell me, ‘Don’t tempt fate too much.’
It was only yesterday that I saw someone who had lost both her legs pedalling her special bicycle happily with her hands, enjoying the sunshine and riding along the Main. If it comes to that something will have to be done. But should I now decide to stay in Germany only because I might need help with living someday? Nobody really cares whether I am alive or dead, nobody is dependent on me, why is my being alive so important then? My point is, when it gets to that stage when I am not able to lead a meaningful life anymore, then there is not much meaning in continuing to exist.
‘Meaningful life’, that is what needs further definition here. Different people will have different opinions about what is meaningful. I need to find my own definition. Do I lead a meaningful life in Germany? How do I spend most of my time here? When I am here, my life is not much more than a sequence of small chores that have to be done and some other activities that I enjoy doing. Everything I do is for my own self. I do nothing for anyone else. And even if I wished to, I don’t think I could do something more meaningful here. I have often thought of offering my help at the Oxfam shop, or of volunteering to help some other charity. But is that the best I can do? And if it is, then will that create a meaningful life for me, by my own definition?
Once I was even invited to give a talk in the One-World shop about India. I felt like a total imposter; I feigned illness and did not go. Somehow it seemed all wrong. They were inviting me there to speak as an Indian, a person from a third world country, and I would have to pretend to be part of that sorry story, no matter how different my own story was, because that is what those people wanted to hear. It felt like cheating, like taking those caring. well-meaning people for a ride. To go and help out in a charity shop to enable them to earn money to spend in charitable actions in India seemed to be something like a double-deceit to me at worst and a rather roundabout way of trying to help at best. Why didn’t I go and help directly in India instead?
For the fact is that in my view, my life would be meaningful if besides having a good and comfortable life with all the attendant choices, I would also like to do something that would be of some real help to others. Do something with my time, energy and resources that will make a difference to a few who might need that help. Given that my choices (of what I could do to give meaning to my life) are much more restricted in Germany, it might be much better to try to do something in India. I already had some work to do there – there is Sishugram, the Girls Home that I help to run and now this lovely little store promoting hand work. It is clear that I could do more if I was in India.
 |
| Stephan and Inez's grave in Bremen |
When I feel very broken I tell myself, Stephan is not really there, he is inside you. Why do you keeping going to look for him in dead things? I wish I was stronger and did not need to go all the way to Bremen to sit at the grave...No, that cannot and must not be a reason for wanting to stay in Germany. It can only hurt me, it makes not much sense.
It was different as long as Stephan was around, for then, I did not need any more reason to be here besides the fact that he was here. But now, even Inez is gone. For whom should I continue to stay on here? Besides, there are normal things I find extremely hard to do in Germany now that I am absolutely on my own. While my spoken German is passable, I find it difficult to write grammatically correct German. I normally write something and then send it on to Anna or to one or the other of my friends to read and correct before sending it off. While everyone is very patient with me and no one has ever told me off for being such a pest, there are times I wished I did not have to constantly keep asking for help.
And if that was not bad enough, taking or making a phone call is something I still dread – because a normal phone call does not begin with the customary hello we are accustomed to. Here when I take a call, I have to listen carefully from the first moment because the caller gives me his or her name instead of the hello. And I have to do the same while taking a call, not say hello but answer with a Frau Ruscheweyh. And can you imagine how complicated it is, when I am required to spell my surname (which to complicate things even further the Germans call Name, the first name being called Vorname) in German -- it goes something like er..uu es..cee..ha.. ve..ee..epsilon..ha…
Do you still blame me for wanting to go back?
No comments:
Post a Comment