Friday 22 October 2021

The burden of knowing

This is a diary, an account of the period 1 Aug 2018 and August 2019, cataloging the progress of Stephan's illness (pancreatic cancer) and whatever else happened during that time... I did not have the courage or the wish to upload this earlier as it is very personal and very detailed but am doing so now with the hope that it might be of some help to other carers or to those who might want to know more about the progress of this terribly aggressive disease. This is a battle one cannot win. And it is very painful to not be able to help one's dear ones, the helplessness is numbing. Yet one has no choice but to keep going...to do what one can...to hope...


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Trees or how we shall all perish


Trees are beautiful creatures but I have always felt very sorry for them because they cannot move, they cannot go away; they have to stay where they are and take whatever comes their way, no matter what – rain, hail, thunder, storm, sunshine or snow. I have always felt incredibly sorry for them each time I have seen the wind, the wind that we cannot even see, make them sway helplessly in one direction one moment, and in the other the next, even while maintaining their dignity and beauty. And not only do they have to take it, they have to take it without murmur. Their mute stillness in the face of every adversity make their fate seem even more poignant. Their dignified acceptance of their lot makes it just that bit more heart wrenching. They do try to survive the best they can -- so in winter they shed their leaves to minimise loss and in spring they try to regain their strength and propagate, but that is all. For everything else they just have to take what is thrown at them the best they can… They cannot move away, they cannot complain.

When Stephan was buried under the ground it hurt whenever I saw rain or snow fall on his grave… it must be so bitterly cold outside there in the winter. But he has to take it all, he cannot complain, he cannot ask for a warm winter mantel. Same when the sun beats down on him in the summer. He cannot decide to move away to the shade; he cannot take refuge under an umbrella.  Like the trees, he too, cannot run away. But unlike the trees, he cannot even try. It is already too late for him. It breaks my heart.

But are we not all turning into trees? Like the trees, soon we shall no longer be able to run away from the big disaster that is upon us. Soon there will be no place left for us to shelter in, there will be no place left for us to hide; looking at it differently, no matter where we hide, we shall be found out, and we shall have to face whatever befalls us. It could be a tiny invisible virus that might just wipe us out in one fell swipe...it almost did! If not, the furnace that our planet is slowly turning into will surely scorch us; if it doesn’t then the unstoppable waters from the melting glaciers will take us with them… Like the trees, we, or at least some of us, will perhaps try for a while, to find ways to survive, by trying to stay away from the virus, the heat and the floods, but soon our planet will be too small for us; soon there will be no place to seek refuge in, for nowhere else on our planet earth will be better. We shall have to stay on this planet and take what comes our way; we shall try to survive as long as we can like the trees do, before all of us turn into Stephan.


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