Today is Monday again, a start of a new week. But
essentially nothing changes as the whole world is in lockdown. Last night we
had another ‘tamasha’ at 9 p.m. Millions of people came out in their verandahs
with diyas and lamps in response to our great leader’s call for solidarity. I
felt like crying. This country has gone raving mad, collectively. After the
madness of ‘Thali Bajao’, yesterday it was ‘Diya Jalao’. It was almost like a
mini-Diwali here last night. You won’t believe this, but Bou and I had a spat
yesterday over this… she clearly believes that doing those things makes sense.
I was stunned and sad. I do not understand it.
And while all this was happening, (1) a farmer in Assam
committed suicide as he was unable to feed his three children (2) a pregnant
woman in Rajasthan was turned away from the hospital because she was Muslim.
She later gave birth to a still-born baby in the ambulance (3) the first Covid
positive case in Guwahati was detected in the posh Spanish Gardens in Zoo Road.
There have been a few beautiful stories too – an old lady in Europe suffering
greatly from Corona virus gave up her ventilator saying ‘Give it to someone
younger, I have lived a beautiful life!’ And policemen somewhere along some
highway here are distributing free shoes and chappals to the thousands of
people who are walking past…
This and many more things have happened…too many to keep
track of here…I watch from the sidelines…Baboo, in some sense I am even happy
that you are not here to see all this. It will be months, if not a year or two,
before we have things back in some sort of order again. It would have been a
disaster if I was stuck here in India and you were there in Volkach. How would
we have managed the separation? I guess you would have retreated to your study
downstairs and carried on with your work. But you would have been very upset.
You would not have believed me when I would have told you that I was okay. And
I would have been equally worried about you, wondering how you might be managing
on your own. And your diabetes might have made you sick. How would I have taken
care of you from so far away?
No, I would have not been able to bear to see you suffer
so. I hate all these thoughts…you are even further away now…much further away…
so far away that I do not have to worry about you anymore. In fact, I do not
have many worries – lucky me! Hard to believe, right? But it is true. I am
working through most of the day, just to keep my mind from other things. Aroti
takes care of me so there is nothing else I need to do besides sit and work…I
have it easy.
But the virus is spreading, and spreading fast. In the US
people are dying in the thousands every day. Here too the numbers are rising –
we had close to 50 deaths yesterday. It is getting serious. Given all this I
guess they will extend the lockdown again. But what will the poor do? What will
they eat if they are not allowed to go to work? Can poor countries like India
afford this lockdown? There is nothing that makes much sense anymore. Perhaps I
should stop watching the news on TV.
It is not clear how things will develop from here. If
things continue like this, civil unrest will come soon…it is terrifying. I
really feel so lost without you, Baboo. Last night I did a small calculation. I
wanted to face up to the worst case scenario – the situation when I contract
the disease and perhaps even die of it. What would happen then? Well, come to
think of it – nothing much would happen, really. It will be no big deal, given
that I am alone now and not responsible for anyone else; my going will not mean
a huge disruption in anybody else’s life. Yes, of course some of my friends
will be sorry to hear the news, but nobody will be devastated. There are many
others whose going will mean disaster for their families. So even there I do
not have much to worry about.
But it’s hard to remain calm. This month is almost at an
end. And the bad news does not stop coming. The whole world looks like such a
mess right now, and it will take such a huge effort to get everything back on
track again. Even at my small individual level, I am really not sure that I
feel like doing anything anymore. There are many brave souls I know who are
trying to help the people who are in dire need. I try to help but somehow
everything seems so pointless. It does look as if it will all end badly, sooner
or later. What then, is the point of this struggle?
It is raining like crazy these last few
days…continuously, with lots of thunder and lightning… I have not been in India
during a rainy season for a long time now… it can be really scary at times…
somehow I always knew that I would be back in India in 2020 – now I am back and
it is a crazy world to be back in… I do not know this world anymore…
Happy Anniversary, dear Baboo! A year has gone by and not
much has changed. I am still sitting at my desk and working. The virus has come
back with renewed ferocity. Only difference, we have vaccines now, but it will
take forever to vaccinate our people. Lockdown has been announced in several
places… But the poor are tired of all this, most of their savings are gone,
they are desperate, nobody wants to listen to the politicians anymore – after
all, whether you die from Corona or from hunger makes not much difference to
the dead, right?
And you know perhaps losing that butterfly brooch right on our wedding day was a sort of omen. I know you will laugh at me and call me a crazy Indian, but how can you be so sure?
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A slightly modified version of this piece got published over FB as part of the Lockdown Diary Project and can be found at https://www.facebook.com/TheLockdownDiaryProject/posts/113814354185950
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