Wednesday 21 October 2015

After the end of the centenary celebrations

These last twelve months have been very full with various activities in connection with my father's birth centenary celebrations. Looking back after the end of the final event on Baba's 101st birthday, Kati Bihu day, the 18th October 2015, I have mixed feelings...


The first feeling is one of intense relief -- that it is all over and that there were no further big disasters in the closing stages; but that relief is immediately masked by a feeling of overwhelming exhaustion and fatigue -- there has been just too many things happening, too many things that I have had to coordinate and push through in the last months. Three trips to India, a million emails and half a million international phone calls later, the knowledge that the year is over makes me only want to curl up and go to sleep in order to make up for having had to work overtime for a very long while.

But did all that work achieve anything? The report card does not look too bad on paper -- we had started out with plans to get 8 books published, to organise one lecture, one seminar and one workshop, and to produce a film. In the end we managed to get 6 books published and two more are on the anvil (although not all of them are from the original list); we also organised a seminar and a lecture and did manage to produce a documentary film on my father. Most of these projects were completed at the very last minute with the result that there was no time to correct mistakes and make sure that everything was in order. But the important thing is that they happened.

I have also discovered some wonderful people in these last months -- kindred spirits -- who I probably might not have met if this centenary hadn't happened. Stuti and Masfique from Guwahati, Era and Okoni Baidew from Jorhat, and a few others. I have also struck up a wonderful working relationship with the Chairman of the Centenary Celebration Committee (CCC), the celebrated playwright and novelist Shri Arun Sarma. For most of this year, the two of us have worked together as a team, even long-distance from Germany; his guidance and support have been invaluable. I know he likes me very much. But when even Sarma Khura had to tell me that he had to work doubly hard in order to undo the damage that my matter-of-fact, curt  and unembellished language and style of functioning and dealing with people had done, I realised that some amount of introspection was due.

The first thing I have understood in the course of this year is that people function differently -- or more importantly, that I function differently from most others, and hence my assumption that others will think, behave and act as I do is inherently flawed. Hence I should not judge other people's reactions by my own, nor should I be surprised when things turn out differently from what I had expected. It would have helped if I had understood this much earlier. For instance, I do not understand how people can wait till the very last minute to get things done and then rather than be ashamed of the many typos and mistakes attributed to them, turn it into an excuse saying that there was no time left for corrections! But why didn't they make sure they had finished with enough time for corrections in the first place? But that question seems to bother not too many of those around me. Many years ago, the great poet Jayanta Mahapatra, after having observed me for a few days, had warned me 'you will be very hurt in life because you imagine everyone else around you to be like you, but they aren't.' I had not quite believed him then, I do see his point now.

The above has led me to realise that I am gradually becoming a misfit in this world here in Guwahati. That I don't know how to function here, how to get things done here, how to make myself understood without people getting offended or misunderstanding me. I have somehow lost the capacity to be flexible -- I get cross when people say something and do something else, I am impatient when people spend too much time talking about nothing in particular before they come to the point, I point out spelling mistakes and demand that they be corrected, express my annoyance when they keep me waiting after having given me an appointment, and insist that people keep their word.  Furthermore, I do not know how to handle situations when peoples' egos have to be flattered -- and there are lots of big fat egos doing the rounds in the literary and intellectual circles of our society these days. What is even worse, I have lost the capacity to even appear suitably impressed when people tell me about their latest achievements, their foreign jaunts, their prestigious new awards and so on...Terribly irreverend, all this. No wonder they are all angry with me.

Does it have something to do with my being away from India for many years? I do not know. But there are many who are convinced about that -- an academic from BHU once told me after reading a message I had sent to the Sahitya Akademi that it was clear from the tone of my message that I had been away from India for many years. He further commented that if only I had asked someone from India to do the correspondence with the Akademi, things would never have collapsed the way they did with me in charge. Was he trying to say that I had lost the capacity to be polite? Perhaps not, because that could imply that people who live abroad are impolite, which he certainly did not want to say, I am sure, given the normal Indian's fascination and admiration for all things and people phoren

All this only implies that the problem lies with me, a half-breed who is not phoren enough but who is not very desi either. These kinds are the worst of the lot, I am sure they are saying behind my back. Not just that, she is also very bossy and demanding. Here is an illustration -- suppose the Trust decided to publish a book -- having entrusted the task of editing the volume to a self-respecting highly-qualified editor, how dare she demand to see the proof copy of the book before it goes to print? And if that was not bad enough, how dare she then make a huge fuss about not being shown the proof when it is discovered that the book got printed with many mistakes? Well... does she think the fact that she, as a Trustee, has paid the entire cost of printing and publishing the book entitles her to such nakhras? Who does she think she is? 

Well sorry, but just for the record, I do believe I am entitled to express my unhappiness if some work, that was solicited and paid for, does not meet my expectations. You might think it is rude to do so, because we live in a very polite and hypocritical society (where the worst comments are made behind one's back but one is supposed to only praise and flatter while talking face to face). Sorry but I prefer to be rude. Because I belong to that school that believes that if we do something we should do it properly.

And since we are openly sparring now, let me also place on record, a few other things I have discovered about our society in this last year --  first, that most of our intellectual and educated class do not like serious events -- such as discussions or lectures -- where they are supposed to react and participate, even if the subject is directly related to their professional interests; rather they prefer going to events -- such as award-giving ceremonies or book-release events -- where nothing more than just attendance is required. If you are not convinced I refer you to the attendance registers for the two events we organised last Sunday. Another tip: if you want to make sure that a few more people attend, then do let them know that you shall be distributing free copies of the book that will be released at the event. That most of them will never read the book that they collected with such enthusiasm is another matter.

I was told that the timing of our Journalism lecture was bad, since all the Journalism and Mass Comm. students of the many Institutes and Universities in the city would have left for the Durga pooja holidays by then. But what about the students from Guwahati? And, more importantly, what about their teachers? Did they also all go on holiday? Or did they feel that there was nothing they could gain from listening and talking to senior and celebrated journalists such as Amit Baruah and Samudra Gupta Kashyap? And what about the journalists manning the innumerable media houses and newspaper offices of the city? Unbelievable as it might sound, there was exactly ONE professional journalist guest present at the special lecture of journalism that we had organised on the Sunday morning. What a pity, what a shame and what an utter waste!

Another thing about our people I found out is that we are basically a very stingy and self-centred lot -- we can spend a lot on ourselves, we can shower a lot on others when it is a question of  our prestige or of showing off our generosity but we pretend not to have seen the Donation-Box at the Exit when it comes to donating anonymously, for an important cause. If you need proof consider this -- one of our recent awardees is battling for life after both her kidneys have failed and being only a school teacher she does not have the money to pay for her treatment -- we requested the more than 100 people who had come to attend our Sunday afternoon event to contribute whatever they could -- from the currency notes in the box it was clear that at most 6 people could have contributed, and of them only 2 could have given more than Rs. 100! Wonderful solidarity this! 

Enough of that. The centenary is over, I don't need to face all these problems any more. I don't need to have to do with any of these people any more. It is a liberating feeling, perhaps for everyone concerned. At times I have been impatient and demanding and insistent and rude -- in other words plain nasty. That just shows that I am not someone who knows how to humour people in order to get them to do what I want them to. Perhaps in that I am very much like my father. But that does not matter anymore. Now I can let go and be myself. I can forget about all those various projects involving other people, and just concentrate on my own work. Perhaps my father will even be happy for me if I did so. If people begin to forget him, slowly, because we do not keep reminding them, then so be it. That is the natural course of things. As Dr. Nagen Saikia rightly said in his speech last Sunday, in order to honour my father, we do not need to keep talking about him, we need to talk about the things that he considered important. Hopefully that can and will happen without my interference and intervention. For I am opting out of it all, now and forever.








11 comments:

  1. It was an wonderful experience for me to deliver my duties under your leadership. I am thankful to my sister Lutfa Begum for introducing me to you and trust. I am thankful to you for helping me to enhancing my skills. Yes ma'am your views are straight forward and at times it may hurt others (especially egoistic people).. But for people like me, who actually wants to learn, leaders like you always helped to enhance the skills. I think the centenary celebration was a grand success for your team.

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    1. Thanks, dear Masfique, for your vote of confidence and for all the work you did during the last year. If the events of the weekend were a success you contributed greatly to it. It makes me happy that this year's centenary programme introduced me to you. We are a good team and we work well together simply because you know me well and can cope with my impatience. I hope we can carry on doing things together even beyond this centenary year...you have become like a little brother to me who I can depend on...thanks.

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    2. and I also need to correct the spelling of your name... sorry for getting it wrong.

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  2. dibya jyoti bora21 October 2015 at 23:21

    We all have our frozen moments of frustrations and anxieties. But I know it for sure that you are not a person to give up so easily. It was my great privilege that, somehow ,I had this unique chance to become a part of the centenary celebration. The issues that you raised in your blog are undoubtedly pertinent but we must not be sceptical about the transformative power of this kind of meaningful act initiated and implemented by people like you. After all, minoritarian voices are more fertile.

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    1. Thanks for all your help, dear Dibya, during the Sunday programme. Since you were there, you know that what I have alluded to in my blog are not frozen moments of frustrations and anxieties, these are hard and cold facts. I did not give up -- I saw the centenary through, I did manage to do what we had taken on, I carried on as long as it took to do them. But this is the moment when I do not have any further commitments and hence this is the moment when I am deciding that this is it -- no more. I will continue to do my own work, but I am done with trying to organise things. Getting to know you and a couple of other awardees better in the last year has given me faith that things will work out for the Trust even without my active participation -- perhaps it is even better that I keep out of it. I do believe that my father's memory will live on through the writings of all the awardees -- and in that I wish you well -- keep writing, try to do better than last time -- baba said, 'man is special because he can transcend himself' -- I wish you will prove him right. Thanks for giving me your hand when I needed help.

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    2. dibya jyoti bora22 October 2015 at 09:27

      You are right perhaps, baideo. this happens to us too while organizing things in my college and in the department ..we get a bit frustrated and say..lets wrap up the things...no more...but i dont think that it would be a good idea to entirely disconnect yourself from the trust...social commitment..that is in your blood...though my observation might sound a bit theatrical to you....take your time but do come back....i know you will.

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    3. Don't get me wrong, Dibya, I am still a Trustee, and will continue to be one. What I won't do in future is take responsibility to get books ready for publication, organise meetings/workshops/ seminars/lectures and the like... I am done with all that. But of course the Trust (and also I as a Trustee) will try to support anyone, especially our past awardees, if they want to do or organise any of these things...

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    4. dibya jyoti bora23 October 2015 at 05:38

      ok,baideo.

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  3. I wouldn't want to comment on the rest of it. It is beyond my domain. But yes, I for one am glad it's over because I am aware of how many of your own projects have been put on hold because of this event. I think it's about time we saw you operate on your own terms and at your own level of efficiency. Looking forward

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    1. Thanks, dear Upasana, for your understanding... yes, that is precisely the point... all this has gone on for long enough...now it is time to put all that behind me and get on with my own life... and I know you agree...thanks for being there for me.

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  4. Responding to my blog, my friend Nazrul sent these two incredibly beautiful lines to me... thanks Nazrul, I do take the hint... it helps and heals in a painful way...
    तुम राह मे चुप छाप खड़े हो तो गए हो....
    किस किस को बताओगे की घर क्यूँ नेही जाते?

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